I wonder if I had a gun; would my husband hear me better? Here I am writing, because I have the day off, and that’s what I do on my days off — I write or try to write through hundreds of absurd interruptions. I can’t leave the computer unattended for a second — I’ve come dangerously close to peeing my pants several times — or my husband swoops in to check his Facebook, or his email, or his horoscope, or the 100 pimpest hairstyles for round-shaped faces.

He can’t be bothered to save my work. He can’t be bothered to open a new tab. He sits there scrolling through status updates while I pace the room growling. And finally my absolute favorite part — like he doesn’t notice I’m there — he “accidentally” shuts down the computer and looks at me with a startled “oops” expression as if to say “I didn’t know you were working.”

It’s always something with him. If he’s not interrupting my writing time, he’s at me before I get started listing off all of the reasons I shouldn’t write “today” — I look tired; my batteries need recharged … None of that dissuades me, because I’m a writer, and self preservation is as practical to me as quantum math and Latin. So he lays on the guilt — “The kids want to spend time with you. Don’t you want to hang out with them?”

Bye-bye, writing time!

Two stinking hours — that’s all I ask for. Two hours without interruptions — without him nagging me about the door being locked and windows being closed — I closed them because there’s a guy outside with a Weed Whacker driving me crazy — and the laundry basket in the hallway, “How many times have you walked past it, Lex?” ENOUGH.

Would it make any difference if I carried a side arm — a Smith & Wesson .44 Magnum? I fancy myself a looser cannon than Dirty Harry ever was, but that’s not scary enough in this house. You’ve got to have weaponry to make an impact. You’ve got to carry a surrogate penis, otherwise you’re an innie — weak physically and prone to emotional outbursts.

I need a gun so the next time my husband tries to sabotage my writing; I can sabotage his night life.