I’ve wracked my brain for a single word frightening enough to convey the horror I experienced on my drive to work yesterday, but there isn’t one — I’d have to invent a new one, because nothing like what I saw has ever occurred in history.

I witnessed an entirely new phenomenon; water falling out of the sky. I know it sounds crazy, but it really did happen — tiny beads of water were splashing all around me. I thought to  myself: this is it — I’m going to drown on the freeway in my car. The other drivers were obviously just as shaken, because they were driving in such a way to avoid the water. It was honestly the most terrifying experience of my life.

The roadway was absolutely soaked, and who knows what the stuff was made of. I mean it looked like water, but it might have been something truly awful.   Think about it — a colorless, odorless, tasteless liquid. I slowed the car to approximately 30 mph before I dug out my smart phone and typed in the search parameters.

The results were quite chilling — some poisonous, medieval tonic produced by a cult I’d never heard of called Iris; sulfuric acid; benzene; a long list of neurotoxins — it was terrifying stuff; terrifying. Several drivers were beeping their horns at me; what were they trying to tell me? I jammed on the brakes to focus all of my attention on the stuff that was splashing on my windshield. It could have been anything — some sort of government experiment, an alien invasion, sarin gas or worse.    

Vodka’s a clear, tasteless liquid — we might have been under siege by the Russians. I thought about crawling under my car, but there was all that poison on the road. Traffic was moving fast around me, and the cars behind me were still beeping. I knew the government would have activated the emergency broadcast system, but stupid Jerod never fixed my car stereo. This was the end. I knew it.

I eased off the brake pedal and began driving again slowly. As it got lighter outside I could see people gesturing to me from their cars. They looked incredibly angry, one guy even made his finger into a gun and faked shooting me through his open window. I giggled of course, because I was safe in my car — he’ll be dead soon. But it happened over and over again — every car that passed was driven by someone who seemed to want me dead. Or maybe they were shouting instructions or warnings. I finally rolled down my window to hear what they were saying.

“It’s rain, bitch. Drive your f***ing car or get the hell off of the freeway.”

What’s rain? Where’s my smart phone … Oh God.